I spent yesterday evening in the local pub, watching a game on TV. Thank god, atleast the game was good, Russia vs. Litva, because otherwise, I would have hang myself from a bridge with a sign on me:" Leave hanging till stiff for sure".
You see, I am getting tired of spending these Saturday evenings by myself or in the company of my drinking pals , discoussing things with the imaginary creatures, that live in my head. Its not that I wouldnt like them, I just seem to know exactly what they will say, and that makes the conversation as interesting as watching Brad Pitt adopt another poor child, to get some publicity other than a new haircut.
Its been so, for a year now. Since Lidija left.( for those of you, who might have got lost and found their way to my blog, Lidija is my ex-girlfriend, that I've lived with the past 8 years, till she saved herself and took a run for it). At first, it was just the parting and the loss of a loved one, that was geting me down, but then I started geting lost in the past, going throu my life all over and over again. Now I dont seem to know how to stop.
I was never realy normal, I mean, people were never realy fond of spending time with me. They were either afraid of me, or just irritated by my presence. Damn, even the dogs liked me only because I was hiperactive. I was dissliked by my teachers as a child, for allways having a different opinion(whitch was absolutely a NO NO in the Socialistic federative republic of Yugoslavia). I remember bringing a book in school when I was 6, with the Title "A Naci and a hairdresser", by Edgar Hilson, and the school called the Police. Sadlly I was not shot. Coulde save me a lot of trouble. And the children were not my fans either.
So I was taged as a threat to my enviroment, by the time I was 12(you see, I realy did hate the sistem here), and not many parents were eager to have theire children playing with me.
My parents, unfortunatelly were either dead or in my mothers case "brain dead" and apsent, so there was not much help coming from there either.
Forget the fact, that I have seen more dead people till the age of 18, than most people see on TV. It realy couldnt make much more damage in my head anyhow.
You get used to it, being alone most of the time, and when you get old enough, you find out that people suck and have nothing to say anyway.
But, I made the mistake of falling in love and had the bad luck of her falling in love with me. I still dont know how I was ever able to respect someone, who is dumn enough to fall in love with me. And so, I found out, that there is another way of doing it(living that is), and that it is a shit load more fun than how I was doing it before.
Well, in time I fucked up, as expected( I bet my left testical (dont seem to need it) that her father said " I told you so"), and was left without anything but what I had on me, because she took everything else. The freak I am, I even helped her load the truck, and paid for the ride( someone smack me, please).
Thank god, we had no children. She'd had made me crawl for them.
Now, I'm over her, but I just cant get used to the thougth, that I might just as well take my dog in the house, because there is a bigger chance of Reginald Pither getting a barbecue started without burning down half of Grantham, than me finding another women that will even consider spending time with me. Not if she's normal that is.
I even considered going to an AA meating, just to find some companie. I don have an alcohol problem, but if there are interresting people near by, I am most likely to find them among the AA. Where else.
nedelja, 16. september 2007
smack my bitch up
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13 komentarjev:
Don't worry. You don't wanat anormal girl anyway. My dogs are already in the house if it makes you feel any better. Funny, because it doesn't make me feel any better.
Well, I didnt mean it eather.
You see, what hurts sometimes is, seeing people arround you, having someone to lean on, an at the same time knowing, you wouldn know how to, because you were allways on your own.
Yeah, hahaha, normality sucks.
Dyna, there's a flower on my mind for you every single day.
Sem že sigurno trikrat spisala komentar pa ga na koncu vseeno izbrisala, ker se mi je zdel preveč oseben. Ko pa hočem kaj drugega napisat pa ostanem brez besed...
Samo bistvo povem:
res te ne poznam osebno niti dovolj dobro, da bi naredila nek zaključek o tebi ampak se mi zdi, da veliko preveč poudarjaš, da si osebnost katera nikakor ne more biti likeable. Moje trenutno mišljenje o temu podatku: Bullshit.
Tamala, komentarji so zato, da slišim mnenje drugih, kajti to se mi zdi najpomembnejša razlika med blogom in cajtngami. Možnost diskusije.
Hm. glej, jaz imam očitne težave sam s sabo, in to je že stara pesem. Niham iz melanholije v bes in nazaj, ker nosim okostnjake v omari za sabo, in jih nisem sposoben dati na stranski tir. Ne maram samega sebe, vem kaj so moje vrline in kaj slabosti. Jaz SE NE MARAM. In vem zakaj se ne. To ne pomeni, da se ne trudim biti boljši človek. Ampak zaenkrat, ne vidim razloga, zakaj bi imel nekdo pozitivno mnenje o meni.
Ti povem nekaj. Na glas. Veš zakaj sem imel v življenju le eno resno žensko. Ker sem čustvena razvalina, ki se skriva za možatostjo(ne mačizmom, tega ne maram, ker nisem debil) in agresivnostjo, zavedajoč se, da nisem sposoben premagati sam sebe.
Ampak dokler sam sebe ne boš mel rad (ok to se čudno sliši ampak bistvo ti je znano), tudi ne boš sprejel nikogar, ki bi te hotel imeti rad.
Zakaj bi kdo imel pozitivno mnenje o tebi? jst ne vidim razloga zakaj ga ne bi imela. Vsakdo si zasluži še eno priložnost. Ne glede na to kaj je ušpičil v preteklosti. Trudiš se biti boljši človek, to šteje.
Zakaj se pa skrivaš za možatostjo in agresivnostjo pa ne vem. Zelo očitno je, da te je nečesa strah. Vsak se boji biti ranjen in strt ampak to je del življenja kateremu se ne moreš ogniti. Vse kar se dogaja okoli tebe vzameš z rezervo. ali pa sem samo jaz tako naštimana da živim.
Rezerva, ja. Ne znam. Misliš da sem rad tak, vsakič, ko zajebem, ker preventivno pošiljam ljudi v kurac, se potem tepem po glavi(čeprav si 99% ljudi ne zasluži ničesar drugega).
Glej, bloganje, je zame nekaj novega. Začel sem to, bolj kot ne zato, da bi se naučil bolj taktno, nežno sprejemati druge, in hkrati ponudil svoje misli. Svojo dušo če želiš.
Živim, živim polno, priznam pa, da sem osamljen med ljudmi.
Je težko z rezervo sprejmat. Sama sem rabila kar nekaj časa.Še zdaj ko sem opravila izpit jemljem to z rezervo ker ne verjamem. Hehe.
To da preventivno pošiljaš ljudi v kurac... jebi ga, očitno ti že nekaj pravi, da jim ni za zaupat.
Bloganje. ja, je fajn način spoznavanja in sprejemanja prijateljev. Pa če nič drugega imaš krog ljudi s katerim si lahko krajšaš čas s komentiranjem.
Beer. I need a beer. Or atleast a martini. Dry
Beer. We all just love beer :))
I'm back. Had a beer and even a cigarete. Today sucks. Thank god for this blog and all of you.
Hm.. sam da ne bom tudi sama kaj kmalu dobila vozovnico za lokacijo kamor pošiljaš večino ljudi...
In ravno zdaj ko mi postajaš zanimiva oseba
Brez skrbi. Ne vem kaj, ampak nekaj me je povezalo s tabo že od prvega pogovora. Rad se pogovarjam s tabo. Vsak dan, ko vstanem(vstajam ob cc 5), je prvi blog poleg mojega, ki ga pogledam, tvoj. Še vedno pa ne vem, kako ti je ime.
oh fish... this post makes my heart ache for you...
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