Drunk, just enough to .....

I had a couple of drinks this evening, watching basketball on tv with my friends. It wasnt the game that was troubleing me thou, it was what's going on in my mind these last days. The fact that Im a bitt lost, confuzed and dont know what next.
And than, than we started a topic, I dont even know how we got to start talking about this, absolute love.
Uf.
Now this is a topic, that you can talk about with the boys, only when they had a couple of drinks. And sadly, all you will find out is, that everybody starts talking about what they expect to get from others, instead of wether they are capable of loveing somebody absolutely.
That means, that it is realy all about the EGO with the boys, and ussualy about a prince on his white horse with the girls.
So now, I am trying to look at myself, and answer the question, the way i see it.
Absolute love. A love that goes beyond that, what you were shown by the society and hollywood movies. To love someone so strong, that nothing he or she( she in my case) can do, to make you stop loveing them.
Is that possible?
I like to think so, but the bigger question is, am I capable of loveing someone that strong?
I belive I am.
I really do.
Are you?
You see, I spent 8 years with a person, I was willing to die for, beliveing she loves me just as strong. It was the only time in my life, I had the filling, that I can really trust someone. That there is someone beside me, that I can rest my head her shoulder. Someone, who I can feel safe with. And safety is something I never had.
And in the end, I faced the truth.
The truth is, I still wish I will find love, safety, a home someday.
Utopia.

Huston, this is sad motherfucker and over

Janko the Barbarian

Now, here's something that makes me smile. Look at this face. You would look just like him, after a few days on holliday, a couple bottles of Vodka and almost no sleep at all(this is Janko, on a beach, on the Croatian coast).

To survive the boring day, I was going throu some of my photos. Not the best quality, but some were shot by cell phone, so...

Two relevant words these days

Fuck off

This wether is killing me. Its been raining for days now, and since my car is damaged, and I somehow dont realy like to ride my motorcycle on wet roads, I'm chained to my house. Grrrrrrrr
I go out to walk my, in two days five month old, german shepard, by the name Mars, and that's about it. I dont even go out for a beer.
I sit at home, listen to music, read, eat, shit and do push ups(not necesseraly in this order). Someone shoot me. Please, Im bored.

Someone who knows how to love you, without being told. Speak out, you are not easy to find

I spent my day at a friends house, helping him build. There were a couple of our mutual friends, helping too.
I'm a few years older than he is, but he allready has two children. A beautiful wife. A home.
Its not like his life is easy, or easier than mine, but it's warmer without a doubt.

Yesterday I was passing my village school, walking my dog, and I found myself staring throu the class windows at the children, wishing one of them would be mine. It hurt.

And its amazing, since I'we known this couple for ages, how they work out theire differences( and they have a lot of differeces), like nothing would ever bother them. I mean, Lidija and I were a thousand times more compatible, and had almost never had serious problems; it was like we were born to find each other; but still, I managed to fuck up.
He somehow doesnt. Maybe its the fact that he, compared to me, is an angel. He seems to never feel the need to break loose, run wild. Run free.
Dont missunderstand me, I never had the feeling, of being locked up, or not haveing enough personal space, but still, And I repeat, I fucked up.

Aljaž seems to fuck up everytime. How is that for a fishizem.

So, now Im alone. And the thought crosses my mind, "what if that was my only chance?".

Over baked

I feel better now, I had my coffein. Tired, but without that killing headache, that was destroying me all day long.
All this shit is slowly bringing me down. One can only take so much.
Its like Im a cake. Over baked. Burning. Somebody put me out.

A thousand lives have made me colder, and I dot think I can look at this the same.

I wonder. How much does it take, so one turns in to a monster? So one goes from talking to himself and slowly creating a second, private and hiden personality, to becomeing a mixture of these personalitys, each ruthless and mean. It's so easy to throw away that little that is human in me.
I still remember the past. I still know what it was like.

Dalje

Glava me boli.
Čez poldne je že, pa še nisem spil kave, kar v kombinaciji s slabim vremenom zunaj in nizkim pritiskom, zelo negativno vpliva na moje počutje. Na ta način se niti slučajno ne morem začeti učit.
Pa bo treba. Eden je za mano, pri tem, da še to ne vem, ali je ta opravljen, čakajo pa me še najmanj trije ta mesec.
Nekaj moram naredit glede avta. Konec je brezbrižnega fijakanja z motorjem. Že same temperature mi tega ne bodo več dopustile. In dež tudi ne.
Vreme uscano. Pol leta mraz in sivina. Pa saj to je kot da bi pisal scenarij za najboljši način kako postati depresiven.
Ljubim sonce. Toploto.
Saj ne morem niti pisat tak. Kavo. Rabim kavo.

International

I'm watching. I'm allways watching.

It seems, it would be appropriatte, to write posts in English from time to time. Just in case someone who doesnt speek Slovene, stumbles over my blog. I'll try.
So for my first entry in English, i'll write about something, that I thought about today.
Sometimes, when you least expect, you will find an Angel. I found one a couple of years ago. Her name is Mateja, and I have to say, I dont know how I would manage without her. She realy is a friend, like described in a book. And she reminded me of what an angel she is, again today.
I dont tell her that I appreaciate her often enough. So now I will post it on my blog, for her and anyone else to see.
Thank you Mateja.
Maybe someday you will need me. And I'll be there.

Well, for the future, I will decide which posts I will translate in english. Prior or future. For those who dont understand Slovene, above is not the translation of below.

No, bil na izpitu. Ne bi raje o občutkih, saj sem se že zdavnaj naučil, da občutki varajo. Poleg tega potem bolj boli, če si razočaran.
Sem pa seveda, ko sem se vračal domov, šel tankat v Dravogradu(prisiljen, saj sem skuril ves tank benzina v Maribor in nazaj; peljal kot pravi psihopat; Mickey in Mallory bi bila ponosna name) na Omv in....koga sem srečal....ne, nisem srečal Lidije....sem pa srečal njenega kvazi brata( ne bi o teh sorodsvenih razmerjih, tam nihče ne ve kdo pije in kdo plača; lahko pa povem da ga mrzim kot garjavega psa, ker je peder totalen) in zraven še fanta njene sestre, Roka. No, saj Rok je fejst fant, ampak ljubše bi mi bilo, če jih nikoli več ne bi videl. Malo smo se pogovarjali, smalltalk, nje nismo omenili niti z besedo. Oba sta me tipala, misleč, da ne opazim prikritega zasliševanja(naj omenim še to, da sta oba policaja), jaz pa sem jima navrgel nekaj pestrih in začinjenih, da se bodo imeli kaj pogovarjat v rezidenci na Mariborski cesti.
Ne morem pomagat, ampak to je zame prav tako, kot bi si odpiral rane.
Boli

Dolg večer

Dolg večer, pred verjetno še daljšo nočjo. Noč dolgih nožev, sicer Kirstov roman o ekipi nemških specialcev, danes pa stavek, ki se mi neprenehoma polaga na jezik.
Zjutraj na izpit. Seveda zopet nisem pripravljen. Vsaj ne tako kot bi moral biti.
Samega sebe več ne razumem.
Brezupno.
Naj gre vse skupaj u kurac!
Z mano vred!

Fi(shit)izem

Dolga noč je bila. Kljub temu, da sem jo preživel v svoji postelji. Nikogar poleg mene, pa vendar nisem bil sam. Ne prenesem več teh duhov preteklosti.
Ne znam jih prepričati, naj me zapustijo. Ne zdržim več tega. Utrgalo se mi bo. Če je to sploh stanje mentalno zdravega.
Not a day passes, that I wouldnt think of blowing my brains out.

Translation:
It was a long night. Despite spending it in my own bed. No one beside me, but still I was not alone. I cant stand these ghosts from the past anymore.
I cant convince them to leave me alone. I cant stand it anymore. I'm slowly loseing my mind. If this is a sane persons mind at all.
Not a day passes, that I wouldnt think of blowing my brains out.

Hlad

I am what you see, I am not what they say. But if I turn out to be, would you love me anyway?
Noro, a ni!?
Tyler Hilton je izjavil to v eni svojih pesmi. Noro kako se lahko včasih najdeš v kakem besedilu. Nekajkrat se mi je to zgodilo, in vedno sem se začel spraševati, kako bi bilo, če bi se lahko ravno v tistem trenutku, ko je avtor spisal to besedilo, pogovarjal z njim. Bi se našla v istem svetu? Ampak le v tistem trenutku.
Maybe someday you'll ask for me by name. But not today. Not today.
Ali pa,
I hope your intuition proceedes my reputation, cause I have one.

Ne vem več, ali me ubija želodčna kislina od včerajšnje vodke in Red bulla, ali od stresa in razmišljanja.
A ni bedno, kako lahko uničuješ samega sebe. Samo človek je sposoben tega. Torej sem vendarle človek